the condom got lost in my hair
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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