we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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