whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a hot homeless man
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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