Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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