Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
