I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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