I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
