I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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