His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
