I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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