census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
