The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
