Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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