She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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