girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
