my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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