went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All the doctor said was why
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
