OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
