Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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