Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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