today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
