You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
