There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
