I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
