I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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