Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
