I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
