I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize