Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who died my cat blue again?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
