You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
