My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
