The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
