fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I AM VODKA MAN
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
