So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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