Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Randomize
