Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
