Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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