My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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