I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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