can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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