i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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