Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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