mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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