I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
