Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
