I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
