guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
