Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
