this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
