i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
