But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
