Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize