At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
