Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
