FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
