I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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