i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
