Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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