I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize