I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize